How did I know I got depression.

It was around three years ago when I knew I needed help. My life has been crazy. My husband and I had serious problems, our business was not doing good. I was overwhelmed and over worked. Under appreciated and exhausted. My two children were spending all day in day care and school. My husband was spending many nights till three or four in the morning outside in the night clubs.

I knew my life was tough. But I noticed that no joke is ever funny. Nothing is making me happy. Things that were fun to do became nonsense. Nothing felt good any more. I knew something was wrong. I woke up in the morning and didn't have any motivation to get out of bed. It felt like I was in a haze. I was also reading like crazy. I had to read all the time. I read at the red lights. I read at the bathroom. I read when I was cooking and I felt truly dependent and addicted to reading. The stories became real and the life around me became surreal. The safe life in the stories were so much more attractive than my own life. Reading has become my scape from the real world.

I also had no patience for my kids and felt like screaming at them for everything. I felt horrible and the guilt and the memory of their innocent sweet eyes was killing me.

At that time, it has been few months that I started having a permanent nagging headache that never went away. It was a lot worst in the mornings when I woke up and got better as the day went by. I have been seeing my doctor for the headache and I told the nurse practitioner about the possibility of depression. I simply said to her that I think I am having depression and did go over some symptoms i have noticed. She prescribed a pill. It was like a miracle. My mood suddenly changed . I notices I am a lot more patient with my children . I am thankful to the makers of those pills. They helped me a lot.

Over a year and tons of stress later, I had a shock with an unpleasant situation.( Later on that ) That caused me to get my first anxiety attack and maybe panic attacks. Not sure which is which. But I collapsed at my son's school and couldn't breath. The attacks were mercy less and I felt that I am bursting out of my chest. I felt I was going to die. I was crying hysterically. An ambulance was called and they said my blood pressure was over 200. The paramedics got worried because I couldn't remember how to say my name and such a high blood pressure could cause a brain stroke.. I forgot my date of birth and started stuttering. The stuttering really scared me . I thought I had a stroke. That scare caused me to panic more and I kept having attacks. They asked me who to call from my son's school. But the only contact number they had was my mom. I truly didn't want her to find out. I asked them to not call her. But they did.

Once i got hospitalized, they checked everything and gave me some Xanax.in emergency room I remember I heard these loud irritating foot steps that gave me stress. I knew it was my mom. I was angry at school people for calling her. The last person I needed to see was her. Her food steps has always announced her entrance.


My mom insisted for me to go to her home, so she can take care of  Me. But I truly wanted to go to my own home and stay deep in my own misery. I also didn't want my kids to notice.i was used to acting. So i insisted that I was doing good and went home.

Later I changed my physician and he changed my antidepressant. He said it will help my body aches. (I have been having body aches for almost a year at that time and I wasn't sure why).

He said the new medication is prescribed for fibromyalgia and is going to help. I was doing OK and much better,
Till,
 We traveled to Europe for a vacation. Suddenly over there, once i started to relax, a wave of a very dark deep depression got in to me and did not left me ever since. That is when I started to see a therapist along with a psychologist. I also cut my relationship with my mom and still have ups and downs. I am searching tirelessly for an answer to start to heal. Every up makes me helpful and every down makes me loose my hope.

Am I addicted to misery?

My psychologist has talked to me about having a healthy sense of entitlement. It has been and is one of the most difficult things to do. The more I think, the more I notice that I have had a serious lack of self confidence.

I am a doctor who is shopping at goodwill store and is very hesitant to spend money on herself. I like old small houses in less desirable neighborhoods. I always, I mean always worked through my lunch break. I felt I didn't deserve a break.

I am always apologizing and all my phrases start with "I am sorry"

I didn't have a wedding because we didn't have much money and I didn't feel entitled to have a celebration.

The more I think about my life, the more I notice that I am having serious problems.

I know, for me to heal this damn depression, my first step should be to start falling in love with myself. I need to learn to respect myself and do not accept all the crap I am handed.

The funny thing is that my mom is the main crap provider. She is the one that did this to me. She is the one that now feels sorry for herself and acting like a victim while is living a fun and wonderful life. Because I separated myself from her.

No. Not any more. I am not going to go visit her and take care of her, because she is having a boob job. No . I am not going to let her win. No I am entitled to keep away from her if I choose to.

I am a woman. I am alive and I have my own life. I am entitled to make my own decisions.