Tired of having to defend my feelings.

I am so tired of having to defend how I feel. It is exhausting.

When I talk to my friends, my husband or even my psychologist, I catch myself constantly defending my feelings. If I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, scared, hurt or any other feelings, people keep trying to tell me I shouldn't feel that way. They try to explain to me that I am over reacting by feeling that way.

One example goes back to my mom again. My mom's way of connecting to me, or I guess showing love is by demanding things from me. I grew up not being connected to her and being neglected and invisible. But now that I am fourty and she has moved close to me, almost only connection I feels is her demanding things from me and worrying about me.

Lets review these two scenarios, shall we?

When these scenarios bother me and I talk to someone about them, every body thinks I am crazy and over reacting and thinks that all moms need their kids and ask for their help and all the moms are worried about their kids.

But how I feel is different.

. As I said, my mom and I had a very minor relationship. I don't remember she ever being there for me growing up. Se always nagged about me and talked bad about me. She made me feel like I am bothering her prescious life. When she talked about her kids, it was always in a herd. Whenever I asked her about my past, she mentioned all of up together.
"You guys had a good life and I made sure you had plenty of fun"
"You guys brought a lot of friends over"
" you guys were free to do everything you wanted and I was a cool mom."
"All your friends loved comming over because I was a fun mom"

Have you noticed the trend? "You guys"and "I"?

So I never really recall her ever talking about me. I don't know who I was as a kid. I don't know what my Mother thought about me as a kid. I don't know if I ever existed to her as a kid.

Now many years later, she is back in my life and is acting deeply as the needy mom that gave her life to her children and is our turn to give it back. But the problem is, my brother and sister live far away in different states and county. She is also very disappointed in their care and believes that they are not mature enough to care for her and deep down there, I feel like she doesn't want to bother them. But since I am the only mature responsible girl in the family, she expects me to do everything for her. She acts all needy and spoiled around me. Around other people, she is a very strong and stubborn person.

This feeling makes me feel exhausted and disgusted. I feel exshausted to feel and be the servant for someone that didn't take care of me enought(emotionally). I feel she is taking advantage of me and she wants me to feel sorry for her. I don't feel she needs her daughter and her love. I feel she needs the attention and who better than a daughter that owes her, because she gave birth to her.

Well, try to explain this to people that have a loving relationship with their mom! Of course they don't understand. To them, a mom needing her daughter is very normal. When I talk about it and tell them that my mom has too many expectations from me, they look at me like I am crazy. They look at me like, "after all moms do for their kids, they are sacred and you should not be so selfish and you should go beyond your responsibilities."

They don't understand.

. The second thing is that when my mom talks about me to others, she always talks with worry. This makes them think that she is a wonderful mom that is worried about her daughter. But the reality is very different.
Now read between the lines here please.
"I am so worried for her. She has been letting herself go and has gotten very fat"
"I a, so worried for her. She has been acting very weird and has been having these weird thoughts about me imagining things. I love her so much and I hope to be able to help her somehow"
"I am so worried about her, she is so busy, her house is always a mess and her kids are not being taken care of. The other day my poor daughter forgot to put socks on her son and I was so worried for him to get sick. I had to use one of my pair of socks for him to help."
"I am so worried about my daughter. Poor her she is so poor that she has sold all her belongings and is loosing her mind. I feel so bad for her. She says she is a Minimalist. But I know she is just too poor   And needs money.(I am a minimalist and we downsized a while ago to use our money for our retirement and vacations"


Now to me:
"I am so worried about you. I can see that you don't have t,e to care for your kids. They look so dirty and hungry"( we just were visiting after going to the park and my kids have been playing in the sandbox. They also love the sugar packed ice cream my mom sneaks to them before lunch.)

"I am so worried about you. You look horrible and tired. Your eyebrows are too thin."

Now this is how she asks questions wich look full of love and care from outside.

.When she is in our home, she looks around and then," when is your cleaning lady coming? Looks like she is not doing a good job. I had a hard time with her too"( I stopped having a cleaning lady over a year ago when I decided to downsize and stay home with my kids and she knows it)

. I see her at a gathering. She checks me out and then" remind me to give you money for your birthday. I want you to go get a nice, high quality descent set of clothed for yourself. A clothes that suites a lady doctor."(I am a doctor)

.this one hurted so much. We were at a gathering for someone's day's funeral. My mom was seating outside in the patio smoking and laughing with some ladies she just met. She sees me passing by and calls me. "come ove here. See this lady here, she had a tummy tuck done. Ask her who she went to, so you can do yours and get rid off all that fat in your belly. Hey every one. This is my daughter and she is a doctor"

.I had a party and we usually have potluck a. So everyone brings something. Here is my mom on the phone few days before hand: "so, what are you going to cook? ... Don't do that. They are not good match. You should cook ... And ... And .... I want to bring food A and your dishes will not match with mine. It is going to be too much rice." So I asked her to bring one of the items on my list. So they all match each other. After a long time debate she said "OK. Them I am going to bring just a little bit, so your food will get eaten too" when I told her later on (once when we were fighting) that her   comments are bitter and they hurt me, she said I twist things up and she never ever said such a thing. She said she was just worried about my party not being successful.

Now I hope you know how I feel and at least in this blog, I don't have to defend my feelings. I can vent and write out loud that I am not crazy and I am sick and tired of my fake mom.

Why i don't want to wake up?

In the mornings, i really don't want to wake up. I usually have really good dreams and my dreams are much happier than my reality.

Let me think. In reality i live a very very good life. Here are the pros:
- I have a husband that i love and he loves me.
- I am highly educated and a doctor.
- I have two healthy beautiful children.
- I live in one of the nicest and best neighbourhoods.
- I have WONDERFUL friends and am surrounded with lots of great people.
- My kids go to a great school.
- We just bought a vacation home, cash, and only 20 minutes away.
- We are renovating the minor details of the home and i am enjoying it.
- My family is healthy.
- We have two cars and everything we need.
- We have no debt.
- I am free.
- I am staying home with my kids and not working.

Cons:
- My husband just got DUI and i have to drive him every where. it means 45 minutes commute before i wake my kids up for school. then take my kids one at the time to school at different hours. then again another two kids to pick up at different hours and again 45 minutes commute.
- My husband is a very negative person and is always worrying about everything instead of looking for solution.
- I am dealing with re awaken childhood depression and am under treatment.
- My husband has almost no sexual desire thus very very low libido. I am extremely neglected and masturbate almost daily.
- My husband has been looking for fun outside our home and when he gets home, he is in a nagging and negative mindset.
- I just cut relationship with my mom that lives ten minutes away to help my healing with depression.
- I found out that my sever clinical depression is related to my mom being a Narcissist.
- I have a very hard time to focus and all my body hurts.
- My husband is one of the most passive people i have ever seen and i have to handle all the problems since he doesn't want to deal with anything.
- My husband is too weak and if he is exposed to problems, he either crashes, or ignores it and goes out and gets drunk.
- Our financial situation has become unstable after buying our vacation home. But i insisted on buying it before my husband blows all our money on new cars he kept trading and buying.
- We don't have much of a retirement plan. My husband likes to spend and every time i am feeling down with my depression and can not control the situation, he spends like there is no tomorrow.
- My husband have always liked to drink and i had to intervene many times. There was times i was sure he is becoming alcoholic. But he is denying it every time.
- I found texts from my husband to his hair dresser asking her to sleep with him( Last year).
- My mom is having a surgery and i really don't want to go see her. But i feel like i have to and i don't want to break her heart.

So here is some details about my life.

Now my dreams:
- They always include the most beautiful places with lots of water and adventures.
- It includes traveling and living next to the water on sunny beautiful warm days.
- There is ALWAYS a man involved that i don't remember his face, but he is truly caring about me and i watching for me and loves me.
- It feels like the fresh, exciting crush, love and he is taking care of me and make me feel wonderful.
- The adventures are exciting and is with him being there for me and with me and taking care of me.
- I LOVE MY DREAMS.

That is why i don't want to wake up. A stressful life which i need to be the driver starting morning till afternoon dealing with my lovely, but demanding kids and my negative and weak husband or my wonderful dream with the most wonderful man that loves you and truly cares about you when you are invisible and everyone else ignores you.

I think i am going to go to bed now. My dinner is ready for my family and i need my wonderful dreams. I am burned out with my reality.