I am angry at my mom.

Yes. I am very angry at my mom. I am forty years old and am suffering from depression. Why? Because I am angry at my mom. I believe my mom caused it without wanting or knowing.

I lived a very dark childhood. It was OK and better till I was ten. But after that everything went down the drain. My parents started fighting and I became even more invisible.

I haven't seen my mom for the past few months other than minor occasions. But I am trying and struggling to get her out of my head.

The Mother's Day is approaching. It is May 8. My mom and my son's birth day is on may ten. We have celebrated this whole thing together since she moved close by.

I dread this time of the year. It supposed to be the best time of MY life. I brought my son from the hospital on may 12. He was my Mother's Day gift. We wanted another baby and when we found him being ready to be abandoned in the hospital, that was our dream come true. Yes this is when We adopted my son.

But guess what. Since my mom moved here and lives ten minutes from us, she stole that time from me making it all about herself. I understand that it is her birthday and Mother's Day weekend. But I want my own life back. I want to be the mom that is celebrated. I want to celebrate my son's birth day for him. I want my own family. I Want it to be about my family. Not about her as usual.

Couple of years ago, we decided to go to San Francisco for Mother's Day along with another family friends( One of my best friends) My friend's mom is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. We all got in to my mini van and drove there. It was nice and we walked around and we had a good time.

Later on, we encountered one of those street artists that paints something with spray. They painted futuristic planets with many moons. My friend's daughter wanted to buy one. She was around eleven years old. Her parents paid the ten dollar price and bought one for her. My daughter that was nine at the time also asked for one. During that time we were in middle of decluttering and minimizing our life. We were getting ready to of lose our home and lose our business . The stress was huge. We were downsizing.

I said no to my daughter. I explained to her the reasons.
1. It was pack with chemicals and very unhealthy for my kid's bedroom.
2. It would end up as another junk in our home that we would need to get rid of .
3. It was a waste of ten dollars for something that was not practical nor needed.
4. My daughter needed to understand that she should not get everything others get just because.
5. My daughter needed to value the money and buy only things she truly loved or needed.
6. She sometimes need to get used to hearing "No" . It was important for me to educate her correctly.

So I explained to her that we can go farther and she can pay the same money to buy a pair of earrings that she would enjoy and use.

Mom mom started to interfere and grabbed one and handed it to my daughter saying she will be paying for it. I told my mom that it is a No. I said please let me deal with this. When my daughter saw that my mom is taking her side, she started crying loud. The whole thing changed in to a fiesta. My daughter crying upset . My mom fighting with me very upset in the middle of street trying to convince me to buy one. I was very frustrated. My husband was stuck in the middle. Our friends kept a distance waiting for us to solve this problem. Seeing my daughter's tear truly broke my heart and made me feel like a monster. My mom made me feel and look like a monster.


My mom went and bought one to give to my daughter. I said no. I was very upset and decided to fight. I didn't want to give up specially now that my daughter was crying loud. I didn't want her o learn that she can get whatever she wants with crying for it.


We went to the car to live the parking lot. Suddenly my mom opened the door and left the car. Through the painting in the garbage can and started smoking in the side of street with shaking hands. What a show.

We waited till she got back and left. On our way back, my friend was talking quietly with me about how she sometimes felt hurt, because she was the one that took care of her sick mother, but her mother gave her a very hard time and she kept mentioning her brother being there for her. My friend was venting about the unfairness of this situation . She was feeling hurt that she noticed her mother lover her brother more.

My mom heard this conversation and started defending my friend's mom. She said "yes, you mom might pay more attention to your brother. But she counts more on you. When she needs someone, it is always you that she lungs on. For example I spent more time on my other kids and paid more attention to them, because it is their fault and they were more demanding. But I know that if I ever get old and needy, this one daughter (me) will be the only one that I can count on for taking care of me.
She was mentioning it in a way that my friend should be proud that her mother needs her, not her brother.
I said, I don't think this is a compliment. I think it is not fair for the other children to have the best care, but the poor person that was more mature, because she had no other choice and was forced to take care of herself, has to be responsible to care care of that elderly parent while the others are living comfortably.
My mother insisted that I don't understand that fact that she might baby her other children more, but I am he first choice for her old days since I am the most responsible.

Long story short, the whole Mother's Day gathering turned to a very bitter and bad experience because I said no to my daughter.

Later on I was talking to my sister and she said she needed to talk to me. She said my mom called her and complained about me. My mom told her that I ruined the Mother's Day for her. That I was not considering her feelings and it was her day. I should have let it go for her sake. She felt that I did it to ruin her day.

I explained to my sister that it was not my intention to ruin her day. I just simply said no to my nine years old daughter for buying a piece of chemical packed paper. Plus, it was my day too. In case she forgot , I am a mother too. She should have let me deal with my kid and not make it all about her. It
had nothing to do with her and she shouldn't take it personal.

I dread the Mother's Day every year now. Because my mom changed the most beautiful time of the
year for me in one of the most stressful times of the year. I just wish I was out of town or lived far far away from her and her selfish irritations.

Is it procrestation or depression?

I don't truly know.

Is it being lazy and procrastination, or is it depression that separates me from the "Normal " life. What is normal any way?

Is getting out of bed easy for others and hard for me?

I don't know. What is normal and what is a symptom of depression. It is hard to distinguish.

Today i feel good. I am always very happy about my life. I love my life and have nothing to worry about. But why it is so hard to live it? My problems are many. My mind is racing, my body aches, i feel overwhelmed, i can't finish any task. aghhhhh. I hate seeing too many unfinished things.

Am i depressed because i am a perfectionist? I don't know. I have seen many perfectionist people that are not acting or feeling the way i do.

I feel like my head is overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas. I feel like i just need to sleep. Yeah, that is better. If i sleep, i can take a break from all this raising ideas and thoughts. I can't focus on any of the ideas.

Let me think what i need to do NOW.
. My hair is still dry from my shower. I need to dry it and flat iron it.
. Today is my vacuum day. I need to vacuum the house.
. I need to clean before vacuuming, because the house is messy and disorganise.
. I need to pay taxes.
. I need to go to the bank and get cash for our envelope system. We spend too much.
. I need to call my Psycologist to apologies for forgetting about the appointment. This thought scares me a lot. I am tired of dealing with disappointed people. They are nice and wonderful people and i mess up everything. But then calling and apologising is hard.
. I need to call a friend and apologies since i forgot about her party and i also forgot to respond to her e-Vite.
. I need to print a calendar and organise my life better.


But i am tired. What i really really want is to sleep and forget about all the overwhelming thoughts.

But i can't. I need to clean my kids room. My son's room is a huge mess and there is tons of paperwork in there.
.The multiple half way finished crocheting and knitting are piled up next to my bed and are bugging me.
. I need to polish that piece of wood furniture i picked up from the curb and stain and polish it. It could look so pretty.
. But i need to answer to the e-mail from my kid's principal.
Oh my kids. I need to find my son's homework folder. we lost it somewhere at home. My home is messy. I need to clean it.
I am so hungry, my stomach is growling. I don't want to just eat a cookie. I got too fat lately. I need to exercise, but i am too tired. the weight dumble is good to start. But first, i need to dry my hair and flat iron it. Then it will be time to pick my son up soon. What should i feed him? he has been eating very unhealthy lately.
I need to make him something with vegetable. But the kitchen counter is so messy, I need to clean that counter. Oh, tons of paperwork are waiting there. What if i scan some more papers in my computer first to get rid of the clutter. That is a good idea. This way i can find that tax paper with the estimated tax payment and make a payment. Oh man. We have spent too much lately. I would like to reduce it. But i need to go to the bank and get some cash first to restart the envelope system.

I am just too tired to do any of these things. I think i will just take a nap till it is time to pick my son up. This way i hope to have more energy for my kids when i pick them up.
Oh my daughter has a math test. I need to work with her on that. I hope to be able to teach her how to study.
I am having a headache.
Yeah.
I am just going to take a nap.