Tired of having to defend my feelings.

I am so tired of having to defend how I feel. It is exhausting.

When I talk to my friends, my husband or even my psychologist, I catch myself constantly defending my feelings. If I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, scared, hurt or any other feelings, people keep trying to tell me I shouldn't feel that way. They try to explain to me that I am over reacting by feeling that way.

One example goes back to my mom again. My mom's way of connecting to me, or I guess showing love is by demanding things from me. I grew up not being connected to her and being neglected and invisible. But now that I am fourty and she has moved close to me, almost only connection I feels is her demanding things from me and worrying about me.

Lets review these two scenarios, shall we?

When these scenarios bother me and I talk to someone about them, every body thinks I am crazy and over reacting and thinks that all moms need their kids and ask for their help and all the moms are worried about their kids.

But how I feel is different.

. As I said, my mom and I had a very minor relationship. I don't remember she ever being there for me growing up. Se always nagged about me and talked bad about me. She made me feel like I am bothering her prescious life. When she talked about her kids, it was always in a herd. Whenever I asked her about my past, she mentioned all of up together.
"You guys had a good life and I made sure you had plenty of fun"
"You guys brought a lot of friends over"
" you guys were free to do everything you wanted and I was a cool mom."
"All your friends loved comming over because I was a fun mom"

Have you noticed the trend? "You guys"and "I"?

So I never really recall her ever talking about me. I don't know who I was as a kid. I don't know what my Mother thought about me as a kid. I don't know if I ever existed to her as a kid.

Now many years later, she is back in my life and is acting deeply as the needy mom that gave her life to her children and is our turn to give it back. But the problem is, my brother and sister live far away in different states and county. She is also very disappointed in their care and believes that they are not mature enough to care for her and deep down there, I feel like she doesn't want to bother them. But since I am the only mature responsible girl in the family, she expects me to do everything for her. She acts all needy and spoiled around me. Around other people, she is a very strong and stubborn person.

This feeling makes me feel exhausted and disgusted. I feel exshausted to feel and be the servant for someone that didn't take care of me enought(emotionally). I feel she is taking advantage of me and she wants me to feel sorry for her. I don't feel she needs her daughter and her love. I feel she needs the attention and who better than a daughter that owes her, because she gave birth to her.

Well, try to explain this to people that have a loving relationship with their mom! Of course they don't understand. To them, a mom needing her daughter is very normal. When I talk about it and tell them that my mom has too many expectations from me, they look at me like I am crazy. They look at me like, "after all moms do for their kids, they are sacred and you should not be so selfish and you should go beyond your responsibilities."

They don't understand.

. The second thing is that when my mom talks about me to others, she always talks with worry. This makes them think that she is a wonderful mom that is worried about her daughter. But the reality is very different.
Now read between the lines here please.
"I am so worried for her. She has been letting herself go and has gotten very fat"
"I a, so worried for her. She has been acting very weird and has been having these weird thoughts about me imagining things. I love her so much and I hope to be able to help her somehow"
"I am so worried about her, she is so busy, her house is always a mess and her kids are not being taken care of. The other day my poor daughter forgot to put socks on her son and I was so worried for him to get sick. I had to use one of my pair of socks for him to help."
"I am so worried about my daughter. Poor her she is so poor that she has sold all her belongings and is loosing her mind. I feel so bad for her. She says she is a Minimalist. But I know she is just too poor   And needs money.(I am a minimalist and we downsized a while ago to use our money for our retirement and vacations"


Now to me:
"I am so worried about you. I can see that you don't have t,e to care for your kids. They look so dirty and hungry"( we just were visiting after going to the park and my kids have been playing in the sandbox. They also love the sugar packed ice cream my mom sneaks to them before lunch.)

"I am so worried about you. You look horrible and tired. Your eyebrows are too thin."

Now this is how she asks questions wich look full of love and care from outside.

.When she is in our home, she looks around and then," when is your cleaning lady coming? Looks like she is not doing a good job. I had a hard time with her too"( I stopped having a cleaning lady over a year ago when I decided to downsize and stay home with my kids and she knows it)

. I see her at a gathering. She checks me out and then" remind me to give you money for your birthday. I want you to go get a nice, high quality descent set of clothed for yourself. A clothes that suites a lady doctor."(I am a doctor)

.this one hurted so much. We were at a gathering for someone's day's funeral. My mom was seating outside in the patio smoking and laughing with some ladies she just met. She sees me passing by and calls me. "come ove here. See this lady here, she had a tummy tuck done. Ask her who she went to, so you can do yours and get rid off all that fat in your belly. Hey every one. This is my daughter and she is a doctor"

.I had a party and we usually have potluck a. So everyone brings something. Here is my mom on the phone few days before hand: "so, what are you going to cook? ... Don't do that. They are not good match. You should cook ... And ... And .... I want to bring food A and your dishes will not match with mine. It is going to be too much rice." So I asked her to bring one of the items on my list. So they all match each other. After a long time debate she said "OK. Them I am going to bring just a little bit, so your food will get eaten too" when I told her later on (once when we were fighting) that her   comments are bitter and they hurt me, she said I twist things up and she never ever said such a thing. She said she was just worried about my party not being successful.

Now I hope you know how I feel and at least in this blog, I don't have to defend my feelings. I can vent and write out loud that I am not crazy and I am sick and tired of my fake mom.

Why i don't want to wake up?

In the mornings, i really don't want to wake up. I usually have really good dreams and my dreams are much happier than my reality.

Let me think. In reality i live a very very good life. Here are the pros:
- I have a husband that i love and he loves me.
- I am highly educated and a doctor.
- I have two healthy beautiful children.
- I live in one of the nicest and best neighbourhoods.
- I have WONDERFUL friends and am surrounded with lots of great people.
- My kids go to a great school.
- We just bought a vacation home, cash, and only 20 minutes away.
- We are renovating the minor details of the home and i am enjoying it.
- My family is healthy.
- We have two cars and everything we need.
- We have no debt.
- I am free.
- I am staying home with my kids and not working.

Cons:
- My husband just got DUI and i have to drive him every where. it means 45 minutes commute before i wake my kids up for school. then take my kids one at the time to school at different hours. then again another two kids to pick up at different hours and again 45 minutes commute.
- My husband is a very negative person and is always worrying about everything instead of looking for solution.
- I am dealing with re awaken childhood depression and am under treatment.
- My husband has almost no sexual desire thus very very low libido. I am extremely neglected and masturbate almost daily.
- My husband has been looking for fun outside our home and when he gets home, he is in a nagging and negative mindset.
- I just cut relationship with my mom that lives ten minutes away to help my healing with depression.
- I found out that my sever clinical depression is related to my mom being a Narcissist.
- I have a very hard time to focus and all my body hurts.
- My husband is one of the most passive people i have ever seen and i have to handle all the problems since he doesn't want to deal with anything.
- My husband is too weak and if he is exposed to problems, he either crashes, or ignores it and goes out and gets drunk.
- Our financial situation has become unstable after buying our vacation home. But i insisted on buying it before my husband blows all our money on new cars he kept trading and buying.
- We don't have much of a retirement plan. My husband likes to spend and every time i am feeling down with my depression and can not control the situation, he spends like there is no tomorrow.
- My husband have always liked to drink and i had to intervene many times. There was times i was sure he is becoming alcoholic. But he is denying it every time.
- I found texts from my husband to his hair dresser asking her to sleep with him( Last year).
- My mom is having a surgery and i really don't want to go see her. But i feel like i have to and i don't want to break her heart.

So here is some details about my life.

Now my dreams:
- They always include the most beautiful places with lots of water and adventures.
- It includes traveling and living next to the water on sunny beautiful warm days.
- There is ALWAYS a man involved that i don't remember his face, but he is truly caring about me and i watching for me and loves me.
- It feels like the fresh, exciting crush, love and he is taking care of me and make me feel wonderful.
- The adventures are exciting and is with him being there for me and with me and taking care of me.
- I LOVE MY DREAMS.

That is why i don't want to wake up. A stressful life which i need to be the driver starting morning till afternoon dealing with my lovely, but demanding kids and my negative and weak husband or my wonderful dream with the most wonderful man that loves you and truly cares about you when you are invisible and everyone else ignores you.

I think i am going to go to bed now. My dinner is ready for my family and i need my wonderful dreams. I am burned out with my reality.

How did I know I got depression.

It was around three years ago when I knew I needed help. My life has been crazy. My husband and I had serious problems, our business was not doing good. I was overwhelmed and over worked. Under appreciated and exhausted. My two children were spending all day in day care and school. My husband was spending many nights till three or four in the morning outside in the night clubs.

I knew my life was tough. But I noticed that no joke is ever funny. Nothing is making me happy. Things that were fun to do became nonsense. Nothing felt good any more. I knew something was wrong. I woke up in the morning and didn't have any motivation to get out of bed. It felt like I was in a haze. I was also reading like crazy. I had to read all the time. I read at the red lights. I read at the bathroom. I read when I was cooking and I felt truly dependent and addicted to reading. The stories became real and the life around me became surreal. The safe life in the stories were so much more attractive than my own life. Reading has become my scape from the real world.

I also had no patience for my kids and felt like screaming at them for everything. I felt horrible and the guilt and the memory of their innocent sweet eyes was killing me.

At that time, it has been few months that I started having a permanent nagging headache that never went away. It was a lot worst in the mornings when I woke up and got better as the day went by. I have been seeing my doctor for the headache and I told the nurse practitioner about the possibility of depression. I simply said to her that I think I am having depression and did go over some symptoms i have noticed. She prescribed a pill. It was like a miracle. My mood suddenly changed . I notices I am a lot more patient with my children . I am thankful to the makers of those pills. They helped me a lot.

Over a year and tons of stress later, I had a shock with an unpleasant situation.( Later on that ) That caused me to get my first anxiety attack and maybe panic attacks. Not sure which is which. But I collapsed at my son's school and couldn't breath. The attacks were mercy less and I felt that I am bursting out of my chest. I felt I was going to die. I was crying hysterically. An ambulance was called and they said my blood pressure was over 200. The paramedics got worried because I couldn't remember how to say my name and such a high blood pressure could cause a brain stroke.. I forgot my date of birth and started stuttering. The stuttering really scared me . I thought I had a stroke. That scare caused me to panic more and I kept having attacks. They asked me who to call from my son's school. But the only contact number they had was my mom. I truly didn't want her to find out. I asked them to not call her. But they did.

Once i got hospitalized, they checked everything and gave me some Xanax.in emergency room I remember I heard these loud irritating foot steps that gave me stress. I knew it was my mom. I was angry at school people for calling her. The last person I needed to see was her. Her food steps has always announced her entrance.


My mom insisted for me to go to her home, so she can take care of  Me. But I truly wanted to go to my own home and stay deep in my own misery. I also didn't want my kids to notice.i was used to acting. So i insisted that I was doing good and went home.

Later I changed my physician and he changed my antidepressant. He said it will help my body aches. (I have been having body aches for almost a year at that time and I wasn't sure why).

He said the new medication is prescribed for fibromyalgia and is going to help. I was doing OK and much better,
Till,
 We traveled to Europe for a vacation. Suddenly over there, once i started to relax, a wave of a very dark deep depression got in to me and did not left me ever since. That is when I started to see a therapist along with a psychologist. I also cut my relationship with my mom and still have ups and downs. I am searching tirelessly for an answer to start to heal. Every up makes me helpful and every down makes me loose my hope.

Am I addicted to misery?

My psychologist has talked to me about having a healthy sense of entitlement. It has been and is one of the most difficult things to do. The more I think, the more I notice that I have had a serious lack of self confidence.

I am a doctor who is shopping at goodwill store and is very hesitant to spend money on herself. I like old small houses in less desirable neighborhoods. I always, I mean always worked through my lunch break. I felt I didn't deserve a break.

I am always apologizing and all my phrases start with "I am sorry"

I didn't have a wedding because we didn't have much money and I didn't feel entitled to have a celebration.

The more I think about my life, the more I notice that I am having serious problems.

I know, for me to heal this damn depression, my first step should be to start falling in love with myself. I need to learn to respect myself and do not accept all the crap I am handed.

The funny thing is that my mom is the main crap provider. She is the one that did this to me. She is the one that now feels sorry for herself and acting like a victim while is living a fun and wonderful life. Because I separated myself from her.

No. Not any more. I am not going to go visit her and take care of her, because she is having a boob job. No . I am not going to let her win. No I am entitled to keep away from her if I choose to.

I am a woman. I am alive and I have my own life. I am entitled to make my own decisions.

I am angry at my mom.

Yes. I am very angry at my mom. I am forty years old and am suffering from depression. Why? Because I am angry at my mom. I believe my mom caused it without wanting or knowing.

I lived a very dark childhood. It was OK and better till I was ten. But after that everything went down the drain. My parents started fighting and I became even more invisible.

I haven't seen my mom for the past few months other than minor occasions. But I am trying and struggling to get her out of my head.

The Mother's Day is approaching. It is May 8. My mom and my son's birth day is on may ten. We have celebrated this whole thing together since she moved close by.

I dread this time of the year. It supposed to be the best time of MY life. I brought my son from the hospital on may 12. He was my Mother's Day gift. We wanted another baby and when we found him being ready to be abandoned in the hospital, that was our dream come true. Yes this is when We adopted my son.

But guess what. Since my mom moved here and lives ten minutes from us, she stole that time from me making it all about herself. I understand that it is her birthday and Mother's Day weekend. But I want my own life back. I want to be the mom that is celebrated. I want to celebrate my son's birth day for him. I want my own family. I Want it to be about my family. Not about her as usual.

Couple of years ago, we decided to go to San Francisco for Mother's Day along with another family friends( One of my best friends) My friend's mom is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. We all got in to my mini van and drove there. It was nice and we walked around and we had a good time.

Later on, we encountered one of those street artists that paints something with spray. They painted futuristic planets with many moons. My friend's daughter wanted to buy one. She was around eleven years old. Her parents paid the ten dollar price and bought one for her. My daughter that was nine at the time also asked for one. During that time we were in middle of decluttering and minimizing our life. We were getting ready to of lose our home and lose our business . The stress was huge. We were downsizing.

I said no to my daughter. I explained to her the reasons.
1. It was pack with chemicals and very unhealthy for my kid's bedroom.
2. It would end up as another junk in our home that we would need to get rid of .
3. It was a waste of ten dollars for something that was not practical nor needed.
4. My daughter needed to understand that she should not get everything others get just because.
5. My daughter needed to value the money and buy only things she truly loved or needed.
6. She sometimes need to get used to hearing "No" . It was important for me to educate her correctly.

So I explained to her that we can go farther and she can pay the same money to buy a pair of earrings that she would enjoy and use.

Mom mom started to interfere and grabbed one and handed it to my daughter saying she will be paying for it. I told my mom that it is a No. I said please let me deal with this. When my daughter saw that my mom is taking her side, she started crying loud. The whole thing changed in to a fiesta. My daughter crying upset . My mom fighting with me very upset in the middle of street trying to convince me to buy one. I was very frustrated. My husband was stuck in the middle. Our friends kept a distance waiting for us to solve this problem. Seeing my daughter's tear truly broke my heart and made me feel like a monster. My mom made me feel and look like a monster.


My mom went and bought one to give to my daughter. I said no. I was very upset and decided to fight. I didn't want to give up specially now that my daughter was crying loud. I didn't want her o learn that she can get whatever she wants with crying for it.


We went to the car to live the parking lot. Suddenly my mom opened the door and left the car. Through the painting in the garbage can and started smoking in the side of street with shaking hands. What a show.

We waited till she got back and left. On our way back, my friend was talking quietly with me about how she sometimes felt hurt, because she was the one that took care of her sick mother, but her mother gave her a very hard time and she kept mentioning her brother being there for her. My friend was venting about the unfairness of this situation . She was feeling hurt that she noticed her mother lover her brother more.

My mom heard this conversation and started defending my friend's mom. She said "yes, you mom might pay more attention to your brother. But she counts more on you. When she needs someone, it is always you that she lungs on. For example I spent more time on my other kids and paid more attention to them, because it is their fault and they were more demanding. But I know that if I ever get old and needy, this one daughter (me) will be the only one that I can count on for taking care of me.
She was mentioning it in a way that my friend should be proud that her mother needs her, not her brother.
I said, I don't think this is a compliment. I think it is not fair for the other children to have the best care, but the poor person that was more mature, because she had no other choice and was forced to take care of herself, has to be responsible to care care of that elderly parent while the others are living comfortably.
My mother insisted that I don't understand that fact that she might baby her other children more, but I am he first choice for her old days since I am the most responsible.

Long story short, the whole Mother's Day gathering turned to a very bitter and bad experience because I said no to my daughter.

Later on I was talking to my sister and she said she needed to talk to me. She said my mom called her and complained about me. My mom told her that I ruined the Mother's Day for her. That I was not considering her feelings and it was her day. I should have let it go for her sake. She felt that I did it to ruin her day.

I explained to my sister that it was not my intention to ruin her day. I just simply said no to my nine years old daughter for buying a piece of chemical packed paper. Plus, it was my day too. In case she forgot , I am a mother too. She should have let me deal with my kid and not make it all about her. It
had nothing to do with her and she shouldn't take it personal.

I dread the Mother's Day every year now. Because my mom changed the most beautiful time of the
year for me in one of the most stressful times of the year. I just wish I was out of town or lived far far away from her and her selfish irritations.

Is it procrestation or depression?

I don't truly know.

Is it being lazy and procrastination, or is it depression that separates me from the "Normal " life. What is normal any way?

Is getting out of bed easy for others and hard for me?

I don't know. What is normal and what is a symptom of depression. It is hard to distinguish.

Today i feel good. I am always very happy about my life. I love my life and have nothing to worry about. But why it is so hard to live it? My problems are many. My mind is racing, my body aches, i feel overwhelmed, i can't finish any task. aghhhhh. I hate seeing too many unfinished things.

Am i depressed because i am a perfectionist? I don't know. I have seen many perfectionist people that are not acting or feeling the way i do.

I feel like my head is overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas. I feel like i just need to sleep. Yeah, that is better. If i sleep, i can take a break from all this raising ideas and thoughts. I can't focus on any of the ideas.

Let me think what i need to do NOW.
. My hair is still dry from my shower. I need to dry it and flat iron it.
. Today is my vacuum day. I need to vacuum the house.
. I need to clean before vacuuming, because the house is messy and disorganise.
. I need to pay taxes.
. I need to go to the bank and get cash for our envelope system. We spend too much.
. I need to call my Psycologist to apologies for forgetting about the appointment. This thought scares me a lot. I am tired of dealing with disappointed people. They are nice and wonderful people and i mess up everything. But then calling and apologising is hard.
. I need to call a friend and apologies since i forgot about her party and i also forgot to respond to her e-Vite.
. I need to print a calendar and organise my life better.


But i am tired. What i really really want is to sleep and forget about all the overwhelming thoughts.

But i can't. I need to clean my kids room. My son's room is a huge mess and there is tons of paperwork in there.
.The multiple half way finished crocheting and knitting are piled up next to my bed and are bugging me.
. I need to polish that piece of wood furniture i picked up from the curb and stain and polish it. It could look so pretty.
. But i need to answer to the e-mail from my kid's principal.
Oh my kids. I need to find my son's homework folder. we lost it somewhere at home. My home is messy. I need to clean it.
I am so hungry, my stomach is growling. I don't want to just eat a cookie. I got too fat lately. I need to exercise, but i am too tired. the weight dumble is good to start. But first, i need to dry my hair and flat iron it. Then it will be time to pick my son up soon. What should i feed him? he has been eating very unhealthy lately.
I need to make him something with vegetable. But the kitchen counter is so messy, I need to clean that counter. Oh, tons of paperwork are waiting there. What if i scan some more papers in my computer first to get rid of the clutter. That is a good idea. This way i can find that tax paper with the estimated tax payment and make a payment. Oh man. We have spent too much lately. I would like to reduce it. But i need to go to the bank and get some cash first to restart the envelope system.

I am just too tired to do any of these things. I think i will just take a nap till it is time to pick my son up. This way i hope to have more energy for my kids when i pick them up.
Oh my daughter has a math test. I need to work with her on that. I hope to be able to teach her how to study.
I am having a headache.
Yeah.
I am just going to take a nap.